Some Beginning Personal Thoughts on Masculinity and Fatherhood

Stephen Alexander Beach 

(1050 Words)

All men want to do something hard in life. We all have a natural sense that, while it may seem tempting to opt for the easy way out all the time, there is nothing fulfilling in the long term when we choose easy things. Different men choose all types of difficult tasks and goals, but I believe that the greatest difficult adventure that a man can take on is that of being a father. And so, in my opinion, there is a fundamental connection between manhood and that of fatherhood (biological or spiritual). But just as authentic manhood is not equivalent to going through puberty, authentic fatherhood is not equivalent to impregnating a woman. Rather, both of these realities, in their truest sense, are lived spiritual identities which we adopt as new modes of being. The question that must be asked is, what is at the core of this adoption and new mode of being? 

In understanding what is at the essence of manhood, I do believe that we must go back in time to a more primitive age where many of these roles were forged out of biological necessity. Imagine living thousands of years ago in a small village, only protected by some makeshift walls surrounding your homes and meeting places. You're in your small home with your wife and children, when a friend of your comes by and desperately conveys that a warring tribe is on the way to attack the village. (How many countless times must this have happened in history ... probably with the impending realization that enemy tribes will rape your women and enslave your children?) It seems to me that manhood is rooted in the scenario just described, and in the desires and duties implicit in it. As a father and man, you would be filled with righteous anger, a protective fury for your family, and would dawn your war gear in order to stand and fight the attackers. Indeed, the only thing that stands between the innocent and helpless in society and evil ... are good men who are willing to fight and stand in the gap. 

While this certainly provides a clear role to live out as a man, what about today where in a civilized and technological society there is less need for such brute strength? Is being a man equivalent to making money? Is it being successful or talented at something? Is it success at attracting women? Is it doing something dangerous, like riding a motorcycle or jumping out of an airplane? These are parts of what might go into manhood, but certainly not its essence. 

Fundamentally, I believe, that a boy becomes a man when he begins to care more about the well being of others than himself. A boy is concerned with what he can take from others, and to a degree this is needed for the young as they grow, but it becomes unsightly when this attitude exists in an immature male who is no longer a boy's age. An authentic man, though, seeks to pick up the heaviest burden that he can in order to take responsibility for the well being of other people. This responsibility must center around leading, protecting, and providing for women and children, and in fighting for a truth that is bigger than oneself. 

Imagine your wife giving birth, and your child is placed in your arms for the first time. You look at them and certain realizations begin to hit you. This child exists because of you, because of an action that you took. They did not ask to exist, but you brought them into existence (with the help of God). Not only that, but they are completely innocent. They have done nothing wrong, whatsoever. They do not have the twisted desires that adults have once selfish desires and addictions begin to take over and drive their actions. Not only are they innocent, though, but they are completely defenseless. There is no one who will protect them if you do no protect them. And so, an authentic father should be moved to guard and protect that child with his life, to sacrifice his own whims in order to create a stable home for that child to live and flourish, and to create a vision for his wife and children which they will be drawn up into as a family. This is the burden that he must adopt. 

This might seem obvious, or like I'm just stating clichés that everyone knows, but why, then, is there a crisis of fatherhood in our country? Why is the family so fundamentally broken? Why do so many children not have father's present in their daily lives? Why is there a targeted attack on the traditional roles of men and their competent contribution to the family and society? (The targeted attack may be because when engaged men take ownership for their lives and families they are more self sufficient and those in power may not want this.) 

One of the issues that I think contributes to the current crisis in fatherhood in our country is that while these roles are rooted in biological drives, I think they are to lesser extent than women. And so for men to adopt these roles, they need social validation from other men, mentorship, and rites of passage. This creates cycles of either positive adoption of masculinity or an absence of it. (Sadly is does not see that there are any rites of passages for men anymore.) Even if we do not have that direct mentorship from our father, it can be helpful to have role models to look up to and which may fill that need to a degree. 

For example, Thomas Vander Woude was a father of seven in Virginia. His 20 year old son with down syndrome fell into a septic tank on their farm. Vander Woude jumped into the septic tank after him and held his son above the sewage until help arrived. In holding his son up, he, himself, drowned in the sewage but his son was saved. See more about him in this article. Other examples that come to my mind are: Todd Beamer, John Chapmann, and Mikey Monsoor. 

More can be said on this topic, but I will end my reflection here for now.